We had a friend who told us once that his main goal in life was to keep his daughter off the pole (as in the stripper pole, for all you innocents out there). I think he was joking, but in my mind, that seems to be an admirable goal, though not my MAIN goal.

Honestly, I find it is pretty easy to joke about what you do and don’t want to see your kids get mixed up in when their biggest choices revolve around wearing Elmo or Tinkerbell pajamas. But as I see all my friends posting photos of their kids heading off to school for the first time this week, I’m reminded about how quickly they truly do grow up.

And it scares the bejesus out of me.

Seriously. I sometimes find I’m barely equipped to mentally stay ahead of my two-year-old. And I think I’m going to be able to keep a TEENAGER in line some day?! Ha. Haha. Hahahahahahahaha. Yeah, I’m not too confident either. Because no matter how solid the foundation we provide or the safety measures we put in place (or the chastity belt we purchase), our kids are going to have outside influences that affect them no matter what.

I had my first experience with outside influences today and it gave me a flash of the future. And, DUUUUDE.

It started out innocently enough. Kate is currently in love with all things Disney princess. We play dolls. We play pretend. We watch movies. Yesterday, we put on makeup, dressed up in our best ball gowns and had a ball, complete with music and dancing (I was the handsome prince. Naturally).

Today, while playing pretend, Kate reached her hand down to me and said, “Do you trust me?” A million points if you can name that movie (points for what you ask? Haha, NOTHING! But I bet you feel like a winner if you knew the answer…) It is from Aladdin, and it happens twice in the movie. It is always said as Aladdin reaches down to help Jasmine onto his magic carpet. It is lovely, and romantic and sweet.

And, I thought it was pretty cute that Kate was re-creating a moment in one of the movies. So I reach up, told her I trusted her and she stepped over my lap onto the “carpet” — and then cocked her head to the side, opened her mouth wide and leaned down to give me a smooch.

Did you get that? MY TWO-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER TRIED TO OPEN MOUTH KISS ME.

I tried to explain that we don’t open mouth kiss people (ever. Until you are married, or at least able to insist he buy you a drink first) but I’m not sure if the message sunk in. Because that is how they kiss in the CARTOONS my daughter watches (insert head slap). I’m not kidding, check it out next time you are watching. There is no chaste pucker and peck kisses in Disney movies. These are princes and princesses IN LOVE. Which means OPEN MOUTH KISSING (and probably some under the shirt-over the bra action, but everyone gets married so fast in these things they don’t really have time to get to second base in the story line). I was all worried about the violence in some of these cartoons (Lion King anyone?) but now I see there were tons of other influences at work that I just didn’t pay attention to. So many things that seemed so innocent to me as a thirty year old woman, seem kind of seedy when your toddler (who doesn’t know any better) tries to replicate it. Seriously, if she asks for a crop top like Jasmine, I’m sending her to a convent for pre-K.

I figure that just as long as an open-mouth kiss doesn’t lead to the pole, we will be fine. But I will admit, the incident started to make me think about what it will be like 14 years from now, when I have to ground my daughter for sneaking out to neck with her senior boyfriend because she, like, “LOVES HIM MOM,” and she just doesn’t understand why I’m “RUINING HER LIFE” and she “HATES ME” (ouch).

Yeah. Did I mention the future scares the bejesus out of me? I’m going to go snuggle my toddler now and thank God I have THIS time with her. When all I have to worry about is some trampy princesses and dodging some slobbery kisses.